The below poem was part of the Voice Poetry Project Midterm assignment and was written from the persona of River James (R.J.) Patterson.

Think Before You Impregnate

Rubbing my face with my palms, I couldn’t shake feeling tired.

The day had been great, off from work

And devoted to spending time with my daughter.

We’d played in a park and laughed through a children’s movie.

We’d eaten ice cream first followed by pizza, just for fun.

As the day became evening, I had to take her home to her mother.

Second Ex asked me to put our daughter to bed, and I relished the chance,

But, when I went to leave, Second Ex’s chaos began.

Starting off by being sweet, Second Ex tried to talk me back,

Tried to get me to love her, but that had never been.

She’d built up some fantasy in her mind about what we could be.

I only wed her after she got pregnant, wanting to give our child my name,

A fact that I never hid from her, and she’d agreed

To an open relationship, making herself seem so easy and free,

The kind of person I could just be with, who never expected much.

But it had been a ploy, a carefully laid trap to ensnare.

I politely reminded her how much better off she was without me,

How I’d never seen her happy, only crying and confused.

I thought when I left her she’d start to see the truth,

Accept I could only disappoint, never living up to her dream.

But, like so many times before, she shifted to threats

Of stealing away with our daughter and promising never to say where.

Wielding our child like a weapon aimed straight at my heart.

I could only remind her that I legally had rights, which led to her tears.

She wanted me to comfort her, but I knew that would be a mistake.

It would give the wrong impression, so I turned and walked out.

As I got into my car, I sighed and pushed the feelings down,

But my mind couldn’t help but compare Second Ex to first.

First Ex decided she was done and never looked back,

Not that it was her fault. I had lied and cheated in that relationship too.

Even fed up, First Ex hadn’t gone far, wanting me a part of our boys’ lives.

With relative ease, we’d talk weekend logistics, plan birthdays, and split holidays.

With First Ex, I hadn’t been in love either.

That marriage was an attempt to satisfy a sense of loneliness,

Which had crept in after my sister Tamara had died.

If Tamara had been around, she’d have sensed Second Ex’s crazy

Then warned me to run. Maybe, the crazy called to me in the beginning.

After she reported my infidelity to my Commanding Officer,

The crazy caused me a demotion, which luckily didn’t last long

Because my CO liked me, really liked me, and we both knew.

I have wronged so many people it doesn’t even feel real.

I had kept both exes at arms’ length, never sharing my secrets,

Only venturing often into their beds, never letting them into mine.

Keeping separate bedrooms had been a condition and then a wedge.

My bedroom represented my sanctuary, one I couldn’t share,

A place to retreat, a place to think, a place behind a locked door.

I know I was a creep, dissatisfied with myself. I hurt these people

Who loved a fantasy of me, not out of spite, but out of fear.